9.12.2004

tired rambling...not caring.

i cant sleep. ill do this instead.

so i think im finally getting kinda tired of being home and doing nothing. apparently i can only handle like 3 weeks of pure sloth, which is really quite disappointing. i thought my sloth tolerance was much much higher than that. maybe its just cause there's only so much i can do when im here. if im not on the computer (which is a good 90% of the time) i dunno what to do around here. draw for a while. read for a while. tried writing/recording a song today in my fancy recording "studio" (ie bathroom, the acoustics are better) but i got frustrated. im obviously not quite ready for the rigor of album-a-day craziness.

its a good thing im moving next week. i swear i wont blog nearly as much once im living with The Friends. or maybe i'll blog more cause more things will happen, but at least it will involve more than just me ranting about nothing for the sake of typing. or not.

anyways, my bro came home today, which is nice cause he spreads the pirated love ( new music and anime! ). but he's also a little unnerving at home cause all he really does is pace around. and complain.

this girl my bro and i know has a link to her blog in her Friendster profile and we were checkin it out. He's all like, "i dont get the whole blog thing." or something like that and basicly going on about not giving a shit about people's personal lives and how he wouldn't want people reading his stuff anyways cause no one would want to and things like that. i told him i actually have several and that it wasn't the point. i do it for myself. maybe other people do it for other reasons. i dont know, but i tend to think thats one of the only reasons people do anything. (maybe im a bit of a psychological egoist though)

but i know that nobody really cares. i know that everyone is too busy dealing with their own damn lives to really bother. or too busy keeping up with tv shows, books, movies, bands, the news, video games, etc. you know. all those diversions that don't involve any real interaction because apparently real people aren't interesting enough to hold our attention...

of course, im no better. (in fact, probably much worse) i mean, look at me wasting all this time being all introspective and self-centered when i could at least be on AIM cathing up with people.(but to be fair, i should also point out that our desktop at home, which is the only internet connected thing, doesn't have my buddy list on it, so i can't really get on anyways.) but im not just talking about blogs any more. i mean in general.

some of my closest friends from highschool i haven't talked to for months (probably since winter break, some maybe even longer). i realize that people drift apart naturally and everything but it's not that i don't like them any more. and its not that i dont want to know what's going on. i mean, im definately curious... but i guess laziness outweighs caring (now playing: "caring is creepy" by the shins!) which is especially bad when it's mutual. i was about to say that i actually don't really care about them anymore, but thats really not true.

maybe its more about the fact that i'm not all that good at getting people to tell me stuff.. because im no good at telling people stuff either. i'm always afraid that they'll be like "damn, why the hell won't she stop talking/writing about herself?" (maybe that's really why i blog. guilt free self indulgent rambling. "waste my time without wasting all your time")

maybe other people are like that too. i kinda wish they weren't though.

i wish people were more like "omg there's SO much/little happening in my life right now! i want to tell jayne (or insert other name) all about it! I want to brag about my accomplisments and laugh at my mistakes with her! I want to tell her about that time when [insert "trivial" yet interesting-to-you thing]! I don't think she really wants to hear all this but you know what? I'm doing it anyways damn it!!" although if anyone actually did, it'd have to be in person or in writing. im good if i get something visual. i have a terribly terribly short audio-only attention span, making phones very difficult for me to handle for very long. (i think my last job was only fine cause i was never on the phone with one person for more than a couple minutes, and it was always fairly planned out.)

maybe this is fueled by the fact that the only people ive really talked to for the past few weeks have been my parents and my brother (a little). although i guess its kinda a good thing, cause i think ive talked to my parents more being here now than i did when i left the house the first time. maybe i was just tired of living with them for so long then. i'm also much more pleasant and happy with them now than then. maybe it was part of the outgrowing the rebellious teen thing.

damn. this got to be WAY to long for one blog. oh well. i guess i'll end it here then.

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