passion

what would happen if i lost interest in art?

sometimes i feel like the whole being into art thing is just part of an image thing. I mean, sure i like things that are well designed and/or pictures that are pretty and stuff. but i hate art history so much. I know artists and movements and all that crap but i don't know how much i actually care about any of it. it makes me feel educated and cultured i guess (which is sorta the point of art history i suppose), but overall it really doesn't do much for me to look at pictures by dead artists.

sure there are occasions where i go "hey that ones kind of cool." But for the most part i dont really want to know about them. What i want to know is how I can make great stuff now. I dont want to learn about how they did it years ago. i want to do it now.

but of course, ive always had issues with art history. my issue now is with the part that im actually suppose to be so into.

It's not really much of a passion any more so much as it is a "hey this is kinda easy, i guess can do this" feeling.. except it also fights my "this is too hard, i suck" feeling. I think im very much a split personality. I never agree with myself. but anyways, lately it seems like i havent even been doing much of it for fun. if i like to draw as much as i say i do, then why don't i do it more often? why does it seem to frustrate me more and more lately that i don't like what i draw/make/do. why am i not getting better at it?

It's been a while since i really felt any sort of real passion out of something ive made. or at least i can't think of anything recent as of now. maybe its because i hate my vcd projects and those are all ive done lately. or maybe because it doesn't bring me the same kind of feeling it use to.

in my convo skills class we asked each other about our passions. mine: music, writing, art. mainly because those are easy answers that i put into things like my blogger profile. those are what i tell myself im passionate about. but a lot of times i tell myself things that aren't true about myself. like i said, im split.

maybe its just that those things dont really seem to fit into "passion" which dictionary.com says is:

"A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger. Ardent love. Strong sexual desire; lust. The object of such love or desire. Boundless enthusiasm. The object of such enthusiasm.An abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger"

and i just don't really associate any of those things with my supposed passions. mine seem to be more of an addiction to sedatives cause it seems like they all just make me more relaxed and mellowed out, as if im not mellow enough already. Maybe im just assuming passion implies being super fired up about something.

I guess that's my main issue here. I just want to be fired up about something. you'd think my lust for life would be enough. but apparently i constantly need newness, which i know is impossible. kinda makes me wish i was a better buddhist though, cause they're all about ending the never ending need. or existential void or whatever the hell it is.

These are all things i should be sharing with my "inner circle." not the cold mechanical intangible internet. But...this is easier. And they are unreachable (in more ways than one) at the moment.