jayne

When i need reassuring and comfort i listen to this:

Jane by Ben Folds Five

jane be jane
you're better that way
not when you're trying
imitating something you think you saw

jane be jane
and if sometimes that might
drive them away
let them stay there
you don't need them anyway

you're worried there might not be
anything at all inside
but that you're worried
should tell you that's not right
don't try to see yourself
the way that others do
it's no use

you're worried there might not be
anything at all inside
but that you're worried
should tell you that's not right
you've had it harder than anyone could know
so hard to let it go

but it's your life
and you can decorate it
as you like
beneath the paint and armour
in your eyes the truth still shines
jane be jane
jane be jane

fate

i'm actually pretty into fate. but maybe i have a bit of a different idea of what fate is. fate probably isnt the right word. but i'll use it anyways cause its easier.

P. says "its like believing that you have no role in your own life." but i think fate kinda gives you more control over your own life, while accepting there are things that you can't control. i don't think fate controls you and MAKES you follow a set path. i think we are in control of most of our life. the choices we make are based upon how we've built up our past, not our pre-written futures. but fate is sorta what makes it possible for us to have a say in the bigger parts of our life that we can't control. i guess i think of fate as more of signs and options rather than concrete paths. like for the most part we go about without dealing with fate. but sometimes fate will bring special opportunities and choices that you never could have gotten on your own. ie. you had no control over the fact that some cute stranger happened to walk into the cafe your at. maybe due to some lack of seating you two end up sitting at tables right next to each other. but from that point on you can choose your own adventure.

"if you never meet someone because you didnt go over there and talk to her, it wasnt fate intervening on your life.  plain and simple, its because you fucked up." this i have to agree with cause i dont think fate intervenes. it doesn't come in and stop you from making a choice. but say you do take action and do all that you can, till you can do no more. i think after that it's up to fate. (i dont know if im making any sense. i dont really want to make fate sound like god or something.) maybe chance is a better word. or luck. maybe i don't really believe in fate, but have faith in luck? are they really that different? what if your life is continuously fortunate or unfortunate? is that still just luck?

maybe it's the fact that i was fortunate enough to be born into a good family and have been consistanly lucky through out my life that i think the choices ive had were not pure chance. but what i chose to do when presented with choices were totally mine.but then again, how we choose is based on our personalities and the past that has helped to shape us. so the now determines the later and we are writing our own destiy. but what about the very begining? like when we're born and have nothing to build upon.

this is where astrology type stuff comes in. i dont believe in horoscopes, but i think profiles of the different zodiac signs really do fit people. i mean, my basic personality is definately a typical gemini. so i guess i believe we also get a little starter pack when we're born too. something to build on.

erg. it's getting late and im tired. i dont know what im talking about anymore (not that i did to start)..

tired rambling...not caring.

i cant sleep. ill do this instead.

so i think im finally getting kinda tired of being home and doing nothing. apparently i can only handle like 3 weeks of pure sloth, which is really quite disappointing. i thought my sloth tolerance was much much higher than that. maybe its just cause there's only so much i can do when im here. if im not on the computer (which is a good 90% of the time) i dunno what to do around here. draw for a while. read for a while. tried writing/recording a song today in my fancy recording "studio" (ie bathroom, the acoustics are better) but i got frustrated. im obviously not quite ready for the rigor of album-a-day craziness.

its a good thing im moving next week. i swear i wont blog nearly as much once im living with The Friends. or maybe i'll blog more cause more things will happen, but at least it will involve more than just me ranting about nothing for the sake of typing. or not.

anyways, my bro came home today, which is nice cause he spreads the pirated love ( new music and anime! ). but he's also a little unnerving at home cause all he really does is pace around. and complain.

this girl my bro and i know has a link to her blog in her Friendster profile and we were checkin it out. He's all like, "i dont get the whole blog thing." or something like that and basicly going on about not giving a shit about people's personal lives and how he wouldn't want people reading his stuff anyways cause no one would want to and things like that. i told him i actually have several and that it wasn't the point. i do it for myself. maybe other people do it for other reasons. i dont know, but i tend to think thats one of the only reasons people do anything. (maybe im a bit of a psychological egoist though)

but i know that nobody really cares. i know that everyone is too busy dealing with their own damn lives to really bother. or too busy keeping up with tv shows, books, movies, bands, the news, video games, etc. you know. all those diversions that don't involve any real interaction because apparently real people aren't interesting enough to hold our attention...

of course, im no better. (in fact, probably much worse) i mean, look at me wasting all this time being all introspective and self-centered when i could at least be on AIM cathing up with people.(but to be fair, i should also point out that our desktop at home, which is the only internet connected thing, doesn't have my buddy list on it, so i can't really get on anyways.) but im not just talking about blogs any more. i mean in general.

some of my closest friends from highschool i haven't talked to for months (probably since winter break, some maybe even longer). i realize that people drift apart naturally and everything but it's not that i don't like them any more. and its not that i dont want to know what's going on. i mean, im definately curious... but i guess laziness outweighs caring (now playing: "caring is creepy" by the shins!) which is especially bad when it's mutual. i was about to say that i actually don't really care about them anymore, but thats really not true.

maybe its more about the fact that i'm not all that good at getting people to tell me stuff.. because im no good at telling people stuff either. i'm always afraid that they'll be like "damn, why the hell won't she stop talking/writing about herself?" (maybe that's really why i blog. guilt free self indulgent rambling. "waste my time without wasting all your time")

maybe other people are like that too. i kinda wish they weren't though.

i wish people were more like "omg there's SO much/little happening in my life right now! i want to tell jayne (or insert other name) all about it! I want to brag about my accomplisments and laugh at my mistakes with her! I want to tell her about that time when [insert "trivial" yet interesting-to-you thing]! I don't think she really wants to hear all this but you know what? I'm doing it anyways damn it!!" although if anyone actually did, it'd have to be in person or in writing. im good if i get something visual. i have a terribly terribly short audio-only attention span, making phones very difficult for me to handle for very long. (i think my last job was only fine cause i was never on the phone with one person for more than a couple minutes, and it was always fairly planned out.)

maybe this is fueled by the fact that the only people ive really talked to for the past few weeks have been my parents and my brother (a little). although i guess its kinda a good thing, cause i think ive talked to my parents more being here now than i did when i left the house the first time. maybe i was just tired of living with them for so long then. i'm also much more pleasant and happy with them now than then. maybe it was part of the outgrowing the rebellious teen thing.

damn. this got to be WAY to long for one blog. oh well. i guess i'll end it here then.