passion

what would happen if i lost interest in art?

sometimes i feel like the whole being into art thing is just part of an image thing. I mean, sure i like things that are well designed and/or pictures that are pretty and stuff. but i hate art history so much. I know artists and movements and all that crap but i don't know how much i actually care about any of it. it makes me feel educated and cultured i guess (which is sorta the point of art history i suppose), but overall it really doesn't do much for me to look at pictures by dead artists.

sure there are occasions where i go "hey that ones kind of cool." But for the most part i dont really want to know about them. What i want to know is how I can make great stuff now. I dont want to learn about how they did it years ago. i want to do it now.

but of course, ive always had issues with art history. my issue now is with the part that im actually suppose to be so into.

It's not really much of a passion any more so much as it is a "hey this is kinda easy, i guess can do this" feeling.. except it also fights my "this is too hard, i suck" feeling. I think im very much a split personality. I never agree with myself. but anyways, lately it seems like i havent even been doing much of it for fun. if i like to draw as much as i say i do, then why don't i do it more often? why does it seem to frustrate me more and more lately that i don't like what i draw/make/do. why am i not getting better at it?

It's been a while since i really felt any sort of real passion out of something ive made. or at least i can't think of anything recent as of now. maybe its because i hate my vcd projects and those are all ive done lately. or maybe because it doesn't bring me the same kind of feeling it use to.

in my convo skills class we asked each other about our passions. mine: music, writing, art. mainly because those are easy answers that i put into things like my blogger profile. those are what i tell myself im passionate about. but a lot of times i tell myself things that aren't true about myself. like i said, im split.

maybe its just that those things dont really seem to fit into "passion" which dictionary.com says is:

"A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger. Ardent love. Strong sexual desire; lust. The object of such love or desire. Boundless enthusiasm. The object of such enthusiasm.An abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger"

and i just don't really associate any of those things with my supposed passions. mine seem to be more of an addiction to sedatives cause it seems like they all just make me more relaxed and mellowed out, as if im not mellow enough already. Maybe im just assuming passion implies being super fired up about something.

I guess that's my main issue here. I just want to be fired up about something. you'd think my lust for life would be enough. but apparently i constantly need newness, which i know is impossible. kinda makes me wish i was a better buddhist though, cause they're all about ending the never ending need. or existential void or whatever the hell it is.

These are all things i should be sharing with my "inner circle." not the cold mechanical intangible internet. But...this is easier. And they are unreachable (in more ways than one) at the moment.

anarchist.

Its been a couple years since I first picked up Days of War Nights of Love, but it's amazing how much it actually stayed with me as time passed. I'm not saying that I agree with all of it, or most of it even. And I hate to say that a silly book like that would really have such an effect on me. I mean, I'm sure one of the reasons I was actually interested in it was the fact that there are lots of pictures and stuff. I never really became an all out anarchist or anything. But somehow, I think a lot of the choices I make and the way I see things kinda started with that book. It's not even all that revolutionary. In highschool found that many of the themes in it were being taught at school through "classic" books in English class. Half of my college classes have touched upon themes I was first exposed to by this book. I don't really know why I'm writing about it now. This entry is kinda weird to write. It's been a while since I've really read it. Maybe I'm looking for an explination for how I feel about certain things. I don't really know how to go about writing this because it's more like a vuage idea that I hold on to which keeps me grounded. It's weird.

Maybe I'm just trying to make sense of my restlessness and discontent with things when everything is actually fine. It seems that everytime I read something from it I feel really shitty cause I actually notice the ennui in my life and want to seek something better. I want to live a fuller life thats more grounded in reality, which is strange because sometimes it feels like im just another escapist, except mine is usually physical escape. Like i need to be physically doing something new or be in a physically different place to really feel like I'm living. So it's strange cause it's kind of depressing but really uplifting at the same time. I dont know... I guess I'm thinking about it again because I'm starting to feel the weight of ennui again lately even though in my surroundings everything is fine. Erg. I feel like writing about it all, but I'm too tired and not really sure what I'm trying to say anyways.

I don't think any of that made any sense. whatever. if your interested, here are some of the words and things that make me restless and constantly on the prowl for personal change and fuel my lust for life:

Days of..

of course, reading it online is nothing compared to actually having the book, with the wonderful layouts and illustrations. with the feel of the paper and the book. But it works for now although im sure ive linked to this several times already.

Sophomore!

well, technically i've been a sophomore since spring quarter, but it still feels more like im just turning into one now. it being second year and all. its very nice. although a little worrysome at the same time. I'm suppose to choose a major after winter quarter i think. but i wont know till then (or maybe till after this quarter, depending on the cutting) if i'll even get into what i want to get into. it's recently occurred to me that i should also have a fall back plan...

I met yet another person who didn't make it into VCD the other day. I've actually NEVER met anyone here who's made it into the program. Of course I know it's good that they're actually about quality control. plus people in the VCD program wouldn't be in classes at my level anyways. But it just makes me a bit nervous. I think the problem is I actually really think it shouldn't be very hard for me to get in, but it's The What If. I mean, I know it's not the end of the world if i didn't. And I could still do design on my own even if i wasn't accepted if i really wanted to. But I guess it's just the fact that it'd be an Official Ego Smashing "You Suck!" to me. which might actually be good for me anyways... whatever. I guess i'll just see what happens.

i think ive written about that at least 10 times already just this summer alone. I should find more variety of things to worry about... or not worry about anything at all. I like that better.

Aside from all that though, the first two days are making me feel like this should be a pretty nice quarter (despite having 8:30am classes 4 days of the week.). Design History should be a relatively easy class. especially since he's not into memorizing dates. Names and movements i can do. dates are the death of me. We get to watch Metropolis on friday, which is cool. My intro VCD class is the only one i'm not too sure about. Although, I do know that I'm going to have to make a REALLY big effort to participate and stuff. And be super anal about craftsmanship type stuff, which im not really into. At least we're doing everything on the computer (using Illustrator) now. They use to do it all by hand. And sociology of sexuality should also be an easy and fun class. Cause I mean, it's a class about sexuality, which is always interesting. It's also huge. 700+ people in the lecture part.

Work woven into academic schedule also seems to work well, although it feels like im either doing a whole lot of nothing or like everything at once (but its mostly the former). I was also all proud of myself cause at the end of the day I was pretty much on my own finishing stuff up (while happily listening to my headphones) and i think i did it all pretty much alright, even without the help of Scott. Took me a while, but I think i've finally figured everything out for the most part. Plus we turned in time sheets today so that means next week will be The Money for jayne. yay! My job is so cool. and the people are really nice. Plus I get to listen to music (always a plus) while I "work" on the computer.

jayne's having a happy start.