listless

I'm feeling excessivly whiney and emotional lately. And since no one actually reads this blog I think I can vent here... sometimes i feel like I self edit too much on the main blog just cause I know people read it. Not that it matters and Not that it's hard to find this one. or that I really care that anyone may read it. I dunno. I just feel like rambling about the same old shit.

I've been so... confused lately. I'm not sure if that's the right word. Maybe uncertain is better. Horribly horribly uncertain about everything. Only 2 weeks of the quarter have gone by and I already want it to be over. I guess it's the whole uncertainty thing again. not knowing what's going to happen in 8 weeks is driving me insane. not just the cut or not aspect of it. Also the idea that maybe by then I won't even care. We're only on week 2 and I'm already kind of bored of the design class. or maybe it's cause it's week two that it's boring. I don't know. But I find myself incredibly uninterested in the work right now. Maybe a lack of interest in art in general. I dunno. Still into it i guess. and i don't know what else i would even be doing. Another thing is the issue of sibling rivalry, which I don't think is really a big deal in our family. The age gaps between us would make it pretty ridiculous to like compete with each other. But being the baby I do think I've been well-funded and cared for. I'm nothing but like positive creative potential. Nothing should be holding me back. So the idea of being the least useful of the bunch just drives me crazy.

It's also making me increasingly anti social, boring, and awkward. Or that's just how I always am. The awkward thing seems to be increasingly apparent lately. I feel like I'm constantly The Weird Awkward one when I'm around people. I wish I was actually friends with the people at work, cause I mean there are so many people my age working there. You'd think that I'd hit it off with a few of them. Maybe not like best friends or anything. Just people I can hang out with. I mean, I think I get along fine with all of them, but it seems like everytime I ever say something I feel dumb for saying it afterwards. But that sort of applies to all situations. Erg. I'm sick of being awkward and boring. I'm sick of being nothing more than a dreamer. idealist. armchair anarchist.

BLARG. That's all I got. There's just too much BLARGness in me right now and I wish it would go away.

I'm going to write a story this year. A story that I'm going to finish. And illustrate. And get put into book form. I wouldn't go as far as to say get published, but I'd really like to see a book of something I've done. It will probably be awful. I don't really care. I just want to see my work in print. There's just something wonderful about things in print. I mean, blogging is great and all, but it just cant compare to the feeling of a page with real printed words and pictures. I want to do more tangible stuff.

this entry made so little sense, I'm more confused.