crushin
huh. it's been a long time since i've written much of anything in this blog. I sorta feel like i should write in the real journal or something instead, but this is just so much easier. someone may stumble upon it, but i don't really care. I sound like a 12 year old, but whatever. i just feel typing.
It's been a really long time since I've really liked someone. So long that i almost forgot what it was like. The whole just wanting to be around them and wanting to just snuggle up with them. and being fascinated by them. at the begining of this year i decided to be less of a heidonist cause i think it was making me jaded or something, and that's no fun. I want to feel the warm fuzzies from the slightest touch from someone I actually care about. I want to get excited about when my hand brushes against theirs. I guess I just want to really feel. I think it's working though. Sitting in a little seat on the bus I could feel the side of his arm pressed up against mine and it made my day.
I know this is temporary. This feeling, it's a new-person-buzz. I know this always happens. I get really interested in new people, and I'm pretty sure they can tell. I think I may be a little hard to read with most things, but if I really like someone I'm usually pretty obvious about it. Sometimes I'm not so sure though. Maybe other people can't tell. But maybe I come off too strong? I don't know. I don't understand the happy medium.
I'm afraid maybe that's what happened the other day. I'm not sure. I think it was going pretty well. Maybe I was too obvious about it though. I just really hate ambiguous outings. Of course I really shouldn't be the one talking about ambiguous relationships seeing as how that's usually my fault. It makes sense that you'd wanna be friends with people first and all, but it's that transition from one side to the other that I don't understand. Part of me really just wants to be like "lets date and figure stuff out later" but the other part says "I'd rather just be friends for now"
I don't even really know why I'm crushin so much right now. Maybe because it's been so long since I've met anyone that I actually feel like I sort of relate to, cause lately it seems like the more I get to know people the less i have in common with anyone. Of course I have no idea what his intentions are. Perhaps he's not even interested in me in the same way. Maybe I scared him off already.
I miss having boys who are easy to read. The ones that are blatantly flirting. I also think I might actually be able to handle not being fickle now. no more ambiguous friends with benifits crap (benifits being anything sexual...) cause even though it's kinda fun it just makes things complicated for everyone. I guess I just want to try being in a normal relationship, and not let everything that's happened in the past keep me from trusting people.
It's not that I really NEED someone else right now, I mean I'm doing fine and actually hardly have enough time as it is, But i find myself getting caught up in my projects and stuff and sorta feel like I'm neglecting the interpersonal connections that are actually more important in the long run. Sometimes, especially lately, I seem to lose sight of the fact that interpersonal connections are more rewarding than doing things just for my own amusement.
It's been especially obvious this year. It doesn't matter how well I do, it doesn't make me that happy to just be kinda good at something. I'd actually say that focusing on just working on stuff and neglecting everything else has made me more unhappy than anything. Whereas spending a couple hours with someone gives me like a multi-day buzz. I suppose it really is all about balence. And I think I need to shift more time towards other people and away from myself.
But as far as the crushin goes, I guess I'll just see what happens. I'd say it's sorta his play right now, and I'm kinda just waiting to see what he'll do next. If nothing happens, that's fine. I'm not like bent on getting hooked up with someone or anything, but I also think I wouldn't fight it this time if anything did happen. Cause I think I've realized that yeah, being independent is nice, but staying closed off from people just to keep them from a 'safe' distance away doesn't do me much good.
It'd also be nice to get my mind off myself for a change. I feel like I'm way too introspective and self-centered. I don't pay enough attention to other people, and that's no good. It I start to actually pay attention and listen to other people i won't have to get so worked up over whats going on in my head about the situation. sounds like a good plan.
It's been a really long time since I've really liked someone. So long that i almost forgot what it was like. The whole just wanting to be around them and wanting to just snuggle up with them. and being fascinated by them. at the begining of this year i decided to be less of a heidonist cause i think it was making me jaded or something, and that's no fun. I want to feel the warm fuzzies from the slightest touch from someone I actually care about. I want to get excited about when my hand brushes against theirs. I guess I just want to really feel. I think it's working though. Sitting in a little seat on the bus I could feel the side of his arm pressed up against mine and it made my day.
I know this is temporary. This feeling, it's a new-person-buzz. I know this always happens. I get really interested in new people, and I'm pretty sure they can tell. I think I may be a little hard to read with most things, but if I really like someone I'm usually pretty obvious about it. Sometimes I'm not so sure though. Maybe other people can't tell. But maybe I come off too strong? I don't know. I don't understand the happy medium.
I'm afraid maybe that's what happened the other day. I'm not sure. I think it was going pretty well. Maybe I was too obvious about it though. I just really hate ambiguous outings. Of course I really shouldn't be the one talking about ambiguous relationships seeing as how that's usually my fault. It makes sense that you'd wanna be friends with people first and all, but it's that transition from one side to the other that I don't understand. Part of me really just wants to be like "lets date and figure stuff out later" but the other part says "I'd rather just be friends for now"
I don't even really know why I'm crushin so much right now. Maybe because it's been so long since I've met anyone that I actually feel like I sort of relate to, cause lately it seems like the more I get to know people the less i have in common with anyone. Of course I have no idea what his intentions are. Perhaps he's not even interested in me in the same way. Maybe I scared him off already.
I miss having boys who are easy to read. The ones that are blatantly flirting. I also think I might actually be able to handle not being fickle now. no more ambiguous friends with benifits crap (benifits being anything sexual...) cause even though it's kinda fun it just makes things complicated for everyone. I guess I just want to try being in a normal relationship, and not let everything that's happened in the past keep me from trusting people.
It's not that I really NEED someone else right now, I mean I'm doing fine and actually hardly have enough time as it is, But i find myself getting caught up in my projects and stuff and sorta feel like I'm neglecting the interpersonal connections that are actually more important in the long run. Sometimes, especially lately, I seem to lose sight of the fact that interpersonal connections are more rewarding than doing things just for my own amusement.
It's been especially obvious this year. It doesn't matter how well I do, it doesn't make me that happy to just be kinda good at something. I'd actually say that focusing on just working on stuff and neglecting everything else has made me more unhappy than anything. Whereas spending a couple hours with someone gives me like a multi-day buzz. I suppose it really is all about balence. And I think I need to shift more time towards other people and away from myself.
But as far as the crushin goes, I guess I'll just see what happens. I'd say it's sorta his play right now, and I'm kinda just waiting to see what he'll do next. If nothing happens, that's fine. I'm not like bent on getting hooked up with someone or anything, but I also think I wouldn't fight it this time if anything did happen. Cause I think I've realized that yeah, being independent is nice, but staying closed off from people just to keep them from a 'safe' distance away doesn't do me much good.
It'd also be nice to get my mind off myself for a change. I feel like I'm way too introspective and self-centered. I don't pay enough attention to other people, and that's no good. It I start to actually pay attention and listen to other people i won't have to get so worked up over whats going on in my head about the situation. sounds like a good plan.
posted by jayne at 2:13 AM
0 comments
